when your body is clear of substances, your mind can see anything.

partying it down in my pj’s, some tea, and my dad falling asleep on the opposite couch to criminal minds. i like this but i do miss the insanity. i should get off the fbook. i see people flipping about where to go/who to see/OMG I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR EVERYTHING. i can see too the weariness of those who went a bit too hard and the desperation to keep moving. i was that girl, always going to the next thing, abandoning health and reason to be at the next big event.

the funny thing about people that do that, is hearing them talk about the event…afterwards congratulating another well done party, slurring around at the “afters” with more drugs and liquor to chill out. a day or 2 later? nothing. it’s long gone and no one remembers because it’s the next thing that draws them away.

i’m starting to appreciate planned events, and the satisfaction of being in the moment that you worked towards and create solid memories out of. i like my life being (mostly) planned out. my plans continue to change daily if not hourly, but there is always a general outline.

maybe one day i’ll indulge in that insanity again (minus substances). for now, i need to try to slow down. if i can’t get it right now, i never will. i can’t throw this away.

life happens. my car died at work last night, got little sleep, and it was rainy all day. i felt sick and crazy and was not myself at work. days like this suck. but they don’t make me want to escape anymore.

thoughts of grabbing a drink while waiting for my parents to pick me up  running away from work and hiding in the city flashed through my mind but i felt no real desire to carry them out.

i think this is called growing up. hooray!

for me, the scariest thing about getting sober is feeling emotions. i went from anger to depression to anxiety all day and finally collapsed about an hour ago into old battered pjs, reading a brain candy book from the store and women’s mags. it feels better but i’m still unsettled.

i’ve felt all the spectrum of emotion before but never so clearly. even before drinking and drugging, i was doped up on psych meds all the time. i never really learned what “adult” emotions felt like or how to handle them. and it’s flat out terrifying.

i flip out on the inside, overanalyzing how i came off to people and how to maintain relationships, familial, friendship, work, romantic…i have no idea what i am doing. when i’m alone, the terror tends to overwhelm me but there are more and more moments where it’s liberating and exciting.

my inner monologue is louder than hell, breaking in 2 and becoming a dialogue when i am torn between painful overanalysis and quieter approving pride.

this sobriety shit is a way crazier trip than any substance i’ve ever consumed.

today is one of those early summer days, slightly too warm and dripping to be comfortable.  the sun is bright and lights up the green green leaves outside the window. then an ominous cloud will roll over, sucking up the light root to high leaf and a still feeling drops over the woods. waiting for something.

i think i’m really a faerie. my moods are intimately connected to the changing sunlight. it’s something i’ve noticed because hey sobriety, now i’m awake at normal people hours.  i feel full of foreboding when a dark cloud rolls over and ecstatic relief when the first drop falls on my skin. on bright wide open days i fly along, able to easily bat off the little voice on my shoulder over analyzing and crucifying. the trouble comes with the storm.

life is weirder sober.

also, i’m being forced to speak at a meeting on my 90 day anniversary. terrifying, exhilarating, …every emotion. ugh. guilt!

i never thought i would be one of those mean, bitchy girls….

then i lived with other girls.

crazy, shaken not stirred.

i stayed at home alone all day, smoking a bit of the green. i feel lackluster and weary but anxious. i didn’t go to a meeting and i’m craving an escape. i want to feel arms around me but i don’t have any nearby. i feel like i could cry but i’m too numb. i want to get drunk. i won’t because i can’t and deep down know that i can’t, but it would be great to just go out, be stupid, flirt with boys, and sit at a bar.

but i can’t! i can’t! so i feel trapped within my home. i live in the woods and cringe when i am sitting outside and see a lonely car drive past. i want to hide, i want to be around people, i want to be out of my head, i want to be productive.

in essence, i don’t know what i want. and it blows. i can’t focus on anything, book, tv, movie. ugh. in a few i’m going to watch criminal minds with my parents to not be alone. i might take a bunch of seroquel to try to relax…or for a cheap, acceptable high. probably a bit of both.

i feel stagnant.

i am spending my relaxing day watching millionaire matchmaker and rereading the great gatsby.

a morning surprise is - walking into the garage and facing a lifesize miniature stuffed pony.

my mom is trying to kill me.

so the stacey saga shall continue after i lay my ass down and watch harry potter.