May 2013
22 posts
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it’s been a rough couple of days. i’ve been flipping out in my head, not sleeping, not feeling well. my mind keeps racing about everything and an escape is tempting.
but i cannot and i will not. i saw a girl that i was getting close with at a meeting tonight and who admitted she was planning on copping tonight before the meeting and that she’s been hanging around a lot of guys....
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What did you do for yourself today? What did you...
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on edge
i have a huge amount of pressure to get more money right now. i am 24 years old and have a minimum wage part time job, a shit resume, and 65 cents in the bank. this blows.
sobriety is hard to begin with, but life interferes as well. i am humming with anxiety and my hair is standing on end. ugh.
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i’m sad and lonely tonight. weary with an undercurrent of electric anxiety. dislike. i want someone to cuddle with…and who loves me back.
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suprising realization that is not really...
when your body is clear of substances, your mind can see anything.
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saturday night fever
partying it down in my pj’s, some tea, and my dad falling asleep on the opposite couch to criminal minds. i like this but i do miss the insanity. i should get off the fbook. i see people flipping about where to go/who to see/OMG I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR EVERYTHING. i can see too the weariness of those who went a bit too hard and the desperation to keep moving. i was that girl, always...
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bad luck, chuck
life happens. my car died at work last night, got little sleep, and it was rainy all day. i felt sick and crazy and was not myself at work. days like this suck. but they don’t make me want to escape anymore.
thoughts of grabbing a drink while waiting for my parents to pick me up running away from work and hiding in the city flashed through my mind but i felt no real desire to carry them...
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sunshine madness
today is one of those early summer days, slightly too warm and dripping to be comfortable. the sun is bright and lights up the green green leaves outside the window. then an ominous cloud will roll over, sucking up the light root to high leaf and a still feeling drops over the woods. waiting for something.
i think i’m really a faerie. my moods are intimately connected to the changing...
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america's next top model
i never thought i would be one of those mean, bitchy girls….
then i lived with other girls.
crazy, shaken not stirred.
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something's wrong
i stayed at home alone all day, smoking a bit of the green. i feel lackluster and weary but anxious. i didn’t go to a meeting and i’m craving an escape. i want to feel arms around me but i don’t have any nearby. i feel like i could cry but i’m too numb. i want to get drunk. i won’t because i can’t and deep down know that i can’t, but it would be great to...
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why i have relationship problems
i am spending my relaxing day watching millionaire matchmaker and rereading the great gatsby.
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a morning surprise is - walking into the garage and facing a lifesize miniature stuffed pony.
my mom is trying to kill me.
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being a productive member of society is exhausting
so the stacey saga shall continue after i lay my ass down and watch harry potter.
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60 days
celebrated by taking care of my grandma. she’s quickly becoming my best friend. i respect her so much and it’s so awesome to relate to someone. when “family love” turns into real friendship, great things happen.
i was also struck in the head by one of the best metaphors for life with her today. the weather’s been wonky lately and as i drove up to her apartment, it...
majorly procrastinating the final little things to do for the internship. i’ve been scared of speaking with the librarians because i feel like i failed. i lacked focus and at the end of it just came in whenever i felt there was something to do. so much guilt and then answering questions related to a required reading.
short story collection with random stories that relate to the aspects of...
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Better Than Ezra - Desperately Wanting…
I...
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ugh feelings
3 years ago i pushed away a man who really loved me. i still think about him alot and we tried to be friends but it hurt too much. typical blahblahblah but i need to get it out. i’ve felt guilty ever since i last spoke with him/punched him in public. i was a terrible person to him and the guilt eats me up inside. i wish i could start over but he is happy in his life from all that i can see....
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lady satyrs do it better
so faerie fest was pretty fantastic. i feel like myself again…and sober. <3 it was liberating to not have to think about using. i went with a friend from aa and met with others there. lovely, lovely weekend. first sober festival achieved! let’s keep it going. 3 days to my two month coin. this time is the last time. life is opening up and i am swimming in possibilities.
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fuck. even tumblr is pissing me off tonight. most of your recovery goals are unrealistic. you need to see a better therapist.
also, you will never stop cutting because “i made a promise to my bf/gf/best friend/mom”
eat a fucking sandwich. twigs are not attractive. i figured it out and so will you.
put down the bottle.
getting fucked up will never cover your insecurities. in fact,...
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so bitter tonight...rant
that “best girl friend” i have? she’s still hiding and morhping into the controlled housewife alchy thing that she always does with men. we had a good talk last week when she saw me, telling me she felt bad for being a bad friend and not talking to me when i started taking sobriety seriously. she also apologized for getting me into bad situations. i forgave her and told her i...
April 2013
19 posts
1 tag
new faerie outfit complete
i feel like i haven’t mentioned in awhile my love for dressing up in strange clothing. i love festivals and costume parties. this weekend i am finally able to go back to one and stay sober - faerie fest! SO STOKED! i feel my creativity coming back and focus and excitement. i need to slip my way back into a fulfilling life, including things i love. it’s so liberating to be able to do...
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those awful vivid moments that paralyze me remembering are slowly being replaced with pleasant comments and experiences. it is awesome. in particular some fo the things people have said to me in aa.
“hey sweetheart, you look like that monkey came off your back!”
“you look great oday, like a young lady rather than a heavy metal goth girl.”
(that last changes depending on...
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i love days like this. i went to bed happy, woke up and was able to jump right out of bed, worked hard at the gym, trained my mom a bit, then a great meeting with new people my age. and now quiche making party with my momma before work!
one of the best things about being sober is the ability to have days like this, waking up early on a saturday and accomplishing all i wanted to and more. i called...
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i have a sponsor!!
she is a fantastic woman i met through my therapist with a good amount of time behind her and similar psych problems as i do. i am so stoked to finally be working this with someone i really get along and care about.
finally doing it right! and it feels so goooooooood :)
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out of the mire
for the past few nights i’ve been taking some seroqupe to sleep and even myself out. it’s help me pull myself out of the depression i’ve been in the past 2 weeks. it was a good reminder though that even though i am sober, like won’t always be dandy. someone said at a meeting yesterday, “this too shall pass - that applies to bad times as well as good times.” we...
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high school/college
i feel like i did not get the typical experience of either. i was not present, locked up, or too anxious to go outside.
i regret everything. i just want to be normal.
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i want to get really high and drunk and have sex.
but i should not and i cannot.
instead i will sit here and waste my day scrolling around tumblr, looking at photos of drugs i can’t have.
i am angry today. and anxious. and want it all to stop. but it did. my life is great now. i just have to walk out the door and get into it. but i want to hide instead and hurt myself.
dislike.
goodbye meds
hello apathy. i tried to start doing work…then realized microsoft word disappeared. i can’t open or type up any documents. i suck at computers so i’m scared to download anything.
i hate technology. so back to lounging around hating myself for being unproductive. ugh. depression sucks.
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i'm dying
i’m pretty sure it’s the meds, antabuse and naltrexone. lethargy, nausea, dizziness, random outbursts of rash, and now the most painful stomach cramps i can remember ever having.
dislike. especially after such a great weekend.
my psychiatrist hasn’t called me back. fuck it, i’m done taking these meds. i feel like i really didn’t need them anyway. i have no desire to...
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good decisions
tomorrow is my birthday. technically, my second sober birthday.
i debated with my best friend about going to a burner party. i always know that i’ll end up disapointed and miserable yet i always debate with myself. he helped me realize that i want to go more to prove myself and “elevate” in some way myself in front of people that have essentially no say in my life.
i struggle a...
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another "project" / semicolon project
aka reason to advertise your personal issues. i choose not to. i think my scars speak for themselves. i hate shit like this. raising awareness for fucking anything. like we really don’t know it happens?
this is another reason for people to cry for attention and post pictures of their sliced arms. i get the pain, i do but if you’re so willing to reach out and get attention, seek a...
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if you wait, it will depart. i can feel the depresion lifting. i did go to the gym and a meeting today, spoke to no one and did not share. i was still seething from anger and hatred. but it’s slowly starting to leave me.
it sucks that at times like this i genuinely can’t do anything to save myself but wait and try to hold back bad thoughts. yesterday i did purchase razor blades and...
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those few delicious moments after finishing a book and not being quite back in reality yet after putting it down.
priceless.
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mourning
today i started taking meds to keep me from drinking and doing drugs. i’ve made it 40 days without medical help and have the resolve to continue but this new development is kicking my butt.
so i will mourn the end of my partying days with downton abbey and crafts. possibly the gym. because i somehow gained a few pounds after ceasing to drinking 583737282 calories of liquor and beer a week....
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still sober but struggling. not so much to remain sober, that i’ve got down. the cravings to use or drink are diminishing. what’s frustrating is how my mental state is thrown into the light now that there are no substances to hide behind.
i’ve felt my moods taking over my mind and am helpless to stop this rollercoaster. along with admitting my alcoholism, i am ready to recognize...
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got my 30 day coin tuesday
woo. shitty night tonight though and ahven’t been motivated to update. more to come later. too much effort at the moment. my mind is nuts.
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irony
tonight’s meeting was a reading and discussion about the last half of the 12th step, which speaks a bit about relationships. i shared some of my experiences with awful men and how substance abuse affected that. mostly “why didn’t he call me?” “because you hit him in the face and claled him a pussy when he wouldn’t buy you coke or shots…”
and other...
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Believe In Recovery: How to Forgive and Move On →
believeinrecovery:
1. Commit to letting go. You aren’t going to do it in a second or maybe not even in a day. It can take time to get over something. So commit to changing - simply because you recognize that the pain is hurting you.
2. Think about the pros and cons. What problems does this pain cause you? Does…
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family, friends, and food
make for a happy stacey. <3
this sobriety thing just keeps getting better. i had my first holiday that i was completely there for, not drunk, high, or rushing off to be those things. it was nice and truly fulfilling.
life isn’t all rainbows and roses but this weekend was. i am in control again and on top of things in my life. the future really is there, i just had to stop drinking to...
March 2013
34 posts
The Poetry Collection: Famous Poems Rewritten as... →
thepoetrycollection:
The Raven
There once was a girl named Lenore And a bird and a bust and a door And a guy with depression And a whole lot of questions And the bird always says “Nevermore.”
Footprints in the Sand There was a man who, at low tide Would walk with the Lord by his side Jesus said “Now look…
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gogogogogo
life is getting busier and i am getting more stressed. jumping right back into real life is a bit overwhelming. i have to struggle to get time alone. keeping myself around people is good right now though. depression comes when you have no one else to talk to.
i was feeling down this morning and even my cheap therapy, the gym, wasn’t helping. so i went to a meeting. the discussion topic was...
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inspiration for sobriety
part of my response was cut off.
another huge (positive) inspiration that keeps me going is listening and relating to other people, at aa/na meetings and through books and online. i am almost at 3 weeks and this has been the easiest attempt so far. even though i do not enjoy or agree with everything in aa/na, there are people there who have real lives and i want that. using is not living,...
jinsei asked: hi there! what inspires you to stay sober?
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my grandma told me today that she prays every night that i find a nice man. cool.
in other news, my depression is creeping back in. it may have something to do with my off-kilter lady cycle. i can feel it coming slowly into my thoughts, breathing down my neck. i find it in a slight panic about being too tired to go to the gym today, that urge to isolate and skip meetings and the bit of anger i...
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going to a meeting in valley forge park tonight with another client of my psych’s. he’s been trying to get me to reach out to her for awhile and now that i have beaten myself to submission and accepted that i need help…we are going together. i always feel shady meeting new people outside stores though. target mall cops, please don’t arrest me for peering into the window of...
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facebook is hazardous to my health
i end up reliving awful moments of my life and running through all the people judging me in my bed at night. shame, embarrassment, guilt…not worth seeing those party pictures and the newest conquests of former lovers. i think too much about people who don’t know who i really am. and yet, when i turn it off, no one (“real” friends included) speaks to me and assumes i am...