Diary of a Recovering Party Girl

it’s been a rough couple of days. i’ve been flipping out in my head, not sleeping, not...

Thu, 23 May 2013 02:50:49 -0400

it’s been a rough couple of days. i’ve been flipping out in my head, not sleeping, not feeling well. my mind keeps racing about everything and an escape is tempting.

but i cannot and i will not. i saw a girl that i was getting close with at a meeting tonight and who admitted she was planning on copping tonight before the meeting and that she’s been hanging around a lot of guys. i’m not totally sure where she is right now, but if she dropped out, that’ll be the second girl i liked this week.

it sucks to feel so helpless. but there’s nothing i can do other than talk to someone and give my advice and experience. i cannot control anyone’s action but my own. and even that’s not too controllable lately.

i did call my sponsor though. huge step for me. i rarely ask for help. we chatted a bit and i got home in time to take my grandma home. i was helping her all day which usually cheers me up. i have to remind myself to be grateful that i am able to help others. i am not longer the selfish asshole i once was. it’s slow going at times but i really am changing.

and now 3am and i still can’t sleep. i haven’t worked out in 2 days which gets me going and i want to tomorrow but am afraid i will be too tired to do so. i have an appointment with my therapist which usually helps lighten my mood and work, which generally does as well. i just wish i got more hours and a living wage.

i’m doing all i can and i am sober. that is good for today.

What did you do for yourself today? What did you do for someone else today?

Wed, 22 May 2013 23:33:18 -0400

on edge

Tue, 21 May 2013 12:33:18 -0400

i have a huge amount of pressure to get more money right now. i am 24 years old and have a minimum wage part time job, a shit resume, and 65 cents in the bank. this blows.

sobriety is hard to begin with, but life interferes as well. i am humming with anxiety and my hair is standing on end.
ugh.

i’m sad and lonely tonight. weary with an undercurrent of electric anxiety. dislike. i want...

Sun, 19 May 2013 21:37:54 -0400

i’m sad and lonely tonight. weary with an undercurrent of electric anxiety. dislike. i want someone to cuddle with…and who loves me back.

suprising realization that is not really surprising

Sun, 19 May 2013 19:36:44 -0400

when your body is clear of substances, your mind can see anything.

saturday night fever

Sat, 18 May 2013 22:10:11 -0400

partying it down in my pj’s, some tea, and my dad falling asleep on the opposite couch to criminal minds. i like this but i do miss the insanity. i should get off the fbook. i see people flipping about where to go/who to see/OMG I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR EVERYTHING. i can see too the weariness of those who went a bit too hard and the desperation to keep moving. i was that girl, always going to the next thing, abandoning health and reason to be at the next big event.

the funny thing about people that do that, is hearing them talk about the event…afterwards congratulating another well done party, slurring around at the “afters” with more drugs and liquor to chill out. a day or 2 later? nothing. it’s long gone and no one remembers because it’s the next thing that draws them away.

i’m starting to appreciate planned events, and the satisfaction of being in the moment that you worked towards and create solid memories out of. i like my life being (mostly) planned out. my plans continue to change daily if not hourly, but there is always a general outline.

maybe one day i’ll indulge in that insanity again (minus substances). for now, i need to try to slow down. if i can’t get it right now, i never will. i can’t throw this away.

bad luck, chuck

Sat, 18 May 2013 18:13:16 -0400

life happens. my car died at work last night, got little sleep, and it was rainy all day. i felt sick and crazy and was not myself at work. days like this suck. but they don’t make me want to escape anymore.

thoughts of grabbing a drink while waiting for my parents to pick me up running away from work and hiding in the city flashed through my mind but i felt no real desire to carry them out.

i think this is called growing up. hooray!

for me, the scariest thing about getting sober is feeling emotions. i went from anger to depression to anxiety all day and finally collapsed about an hour ago into old battered pjs, reading a brain candy book from the store and women’s mags. it feels better but i’m still unsettled.

i’ve felt all the spectrum of emotion before but never so clearly. even before drinking and drugging, i was doped up on psych meds all the time. i never really learned what “adult” emotions felt like or how to handle them. and it’s flat out terrifying.

i flip out on the inside, overanalyzing how i came off to people and how to maintain relationships, familial, friendship, work, romantic…i have no idea what i am doing. when i’m alone, the terror tends to overwhelm me but there are more and more moments where it’s liberating and exciting.

my inner monologue is louder than hell, breaking in 2 and becoming a dialogue when i am torn between painful overanalysis and quieter approving pride.

this sobriety shit is a way crazier trip than any substance i’ve ever consumed.

sunshine madness

Thu, 16 May 2013 14:55:53 -0400

today is one of those early summer days, slightly too warm and dripping to be comfortable. the sun is bright and lights up the green green leaves outside the window. then an ominous cloud will roll over, sucking up the light root to high leaf and a still feeling drops over the woods. waiting for something.

i think i’m really a faerie. my moods are intimately connected to the changing sunlight. it’s something i’ve noticed because hey sobriety, now i’m awake at normal people hours. i feel full of foreboding when a dark cloud rolls over and ecstatic relief when the first drop falls on my skin. on bright wide open days i fly along, able to easily bat off the little voice on my shoulder over analyzing and crucifying. the trouble comes with the storm.

life is weirder sober.

also, i’m being forced to speak at a meeting on my 90 day anniversary. terrifying, exhilarating, …every emotion. ugh. guilt!

america's next top model

Thu, 16 May 2013 14:22:59 -0400

i never thought i would be one of those mean, bitchy girls….

then i lived with other girls.

crazy, shaken not stirred.

something's wrong

Wed, 15 May 2013 20:36:56 -0400

i stayed at home alone all day, smoking a bit of the green. i feel lackluster and weary but anxious. i didn’t go to a meeting and i’m craving an escape. i want to feel arms around me but i don’t have any nearby. i feel like i could cry but i’m too numb. i want to get drunk. i won’t because i can’t and deep down know that i can’t, but it would be great to just go out, be stupid, flirt with boys, and sit at a bar.

but i can’t! i can’t! so i feel trapped within my home. i live in the woods and cringe when i am sitting outside and see a lonely car drive past. i want to hide, i want to be around people, i want to be out of my head, i want to be productive.

in essence, i don’t know what i want. and it blows. i can’t focus on anything, book, tv, movie. ugh. in a few i’m going to watch criminal minds with my parents to not be alone. i might take a bunch of seroquel to try to relax…or for a cheap, acceptable high. probably a bit of both.

i feel stagnant.

why i have relationship problems

Wed, 15 May 2013 16:06:34 -0400

i am spending my relaxing day watching millionaire matchmaker and rereading the great gatsby.

a morning surprise is - walking into the garage and facing a lifesize miniature stuffed pony. my mom...

Wed, 15 May 2013 12:14:34 -0400

a morning surprise is - walking into the garage and facing a lifesize miniature stuffed pony.

my mom is trying to kill me.

deeplifequotes: The best way to move forward is to let go of...

Mon, 13 May 2013 22:05:59 -0400

deeplifequotes:

The best way to move forward is to let go of the people holding you back.

being a productive member of society is exhausting

Sun, 12 May 2013 18:18:32 -0400

so the stacey saga shall continue after i lay my ass down and watch harry potter.

60 days

Wed, 08 May 2013 22:19:05 -0400

celebrated by taking care of my grandma. she’s quickly becoming my best friend. i respect her so much and it’s so awesome to relate to someone. when “family love” turns into real friendship, great things happen.

i was also struck in the head by one of the best metaphors for life with her today. the weather’s been wonky lately and as i drove up to her apartment, it started pouring down rain. pulling up to the building, chunks of hail as big as golfballs started pelting the roof. neither of us could get out of the car for fear of serious head trauma, so we hung out for about ten minutes until it calmed down. after dropping her safely off in her rooms, i walked back out into bright sunshine.

all our lives are like this. sunny, obnoxiously happy days that suddenly lead to shit falling out of the sky and fucking up our days. but if we have someone we truly love to sit under cover and let it ride out, life goes on and so do we,

stacey does zen, day 60. stay tuned, folks, things are getting better than ever before.

majorly procrastinating the final little things to do for the internship. i’ve been scared of...

Tue, 07 May 2013 15:44:46 -0400

majorly procrastinating the final little things to do for the internship. i’ve been scared of speaking with the librarians because i feel like i failed. i lacked focus and at the end of it just came in whenever i felt there was something to do. so much guilt and then answering questions related to a required reading.

short story collection with random stories that relate to the aspects of work. most were depressing. and now some questions examining and revealing my self and the world around me. overexamination is my enemy. i get so far deep into it that i freeze. and feel disconnected and…blahblah.

i want to avoid people but i’m going to try to force myself to go to a meeting later. as the clouds darken outside and it begins raining, i’m losing my resolve. it’s like movie seen weather. ridiculous.

Better Than Ezra - Desperately Wanting… I sang this song...

Mon, 06 May 2013 22:42:10 -0400

Better Than Ezra - Desperately Wanting…

I sang this song driving home tonight at the top of my lungs. i felt like i was flying after a great meeting, was asked to chair (!!) for a month after i hit my 90 days and seeing my good friend who went to faerie fest with me. i also took my grandma to the hospital today (no more cancer!), then shopping for hours in walmart.

i am so grateful for little things. i am able to help my grandma, whom i truly love spending time with. i am able to excel at my job. i am able to inspire kids to write creatively and not fear judgement. i am able to have a good conversation every night with my mom. i am able to fill my days with productive things. most importantly, i am able to like who i see in the mirror.

life has not suddenly become perfect. i struggle a lot day to day with the insanity in my head. but i am better equipped to deal with that and random negativity that life throws at me.

while using, i never felt content. i may have had moments of happiness but i never felt an all encompassing joy that i can physically feel course through my body.using has no longer become an option. i feel like a switch has been turned off in my brain. i fight to stay sober.

i can’t erase the past but i can make the future everything i want and more. this program, now that i’ve finally started grasping it, is saving my life.

this is what a happy, sober stacey looks like. i believe this is...

Mon, 06 May 2013 22:29:36 -0400

this is what a happy, sober stacey looks like. i believe this is the first photo i’ve posted in the year or so since i made this blog that shows my face. <3 sobriety is changing my life, a day at a time.

ps - to all you photography people out there, check out claire horvath’s photos. she is a fantastic photog who has given me much support.

ugh feelings

Sun, 05 May 2013 23:27:32 -0400

3 years ago i pushed away a man who really loved me. i still think about him alot and we tried to be friends but it hurt too much. typical blahblahblah but i need to get it out. i’ve felt guilty ever since i last spoke with him/punched him in public. i was a terrible person to him and the guilt eats me up inside. i wish i could start over but he is happy in his life from all that i can see. being sober has made me feel even worse about how i acted throughout our relationship and i truly want to apologize. i typed a letter tonight that expresses that but i am scared to send it. it’s been sitting in my head for a long time and i’ve been waiting to be in a good place to send it, continuing to feel a need to legitimize myself with __sobriety days and blahblah great things and whatnot.

there will never be a good time and once i get further into the 12 steps i will have to face this. i’m terrified. whatever his response, or lack of response, it’s going to hurt. a negative response would kill me but a positive response might be just as bad. if we resume talking and being “friendly”, knowing i can’t have him back would also kill. he’s been in a relationship with, from all appearances, a good girl for about 2 years and i do not want to interfere. as much as i want him back, i truly want him to be happy.

::sigh:: 3 years later and i can’t get him out of my head. i’ve tried dating and even when i’m not thinking about him, no one attracts me much. i might just be messed up from all my substance fueled encounters with men that scarred me. i feel ruined sometimes.

so this letter. it’s saved and i will probably look at it every day and make changes. i wish i could purge him out of my head but past attempts have been futile. my therapist is urging me to send it. i don’t know if i can. i just can’t handle the dreams and late night visions of me as the monster trying to kill him. sometimes the dreams where we are together hurt more upon waking.

lady satyrs do it better

Sun, 05 May 2013 13:18:07 -0400

so faerie fest was pretty fantastic. i feel like myself again…and sober. <3 it was liberating to not have to think about using. i went with a friend from aa and met with others there. lovely, lovely weekend. first sober festival achieved! let’s keep it going. 3 days to my two month coin. this time is the last time. life is opening up and i am swimming in possibilities.